Mom can I go to Joe's Birthday Party? What to do when your teen get's invited to a party!

It might seem like a no brainer. Your kid asks to go to a party and you say sure have fun but, is that really what you should do? To me the answer is no.
Yep, I'm the only person in the world that would call and talk to the parents hosting the party my kids wanted to go to. I know this because my kids have said a hundred times, "Nobody else's parents call". I am also the meanest mom in the world, in case you were wondering.

Starting in middle school, when my kids were invited to parties I got in the habit of calling the parents and introducing myself. I would ask the following questions:

1. Is there anything my child can bring? A batch of cookies? (This makes you seem like a nice person and not the over protective mom you really are.)
2. Are you going to be home during the party?
3. Are you going to be monitoring the party?

These seemed like all the questions I needed to ask, until one of my kid called  20 minutes into a party asked to be picked up because there was drinking. I had talked to the parents and they said they were going to be home and they were- HOME SERVING THE ALCOHOL! I then learned to ask:

1. Will you be serving alcohol or allowing drinking or drugs at your party?

• My kids and I spent a lot of time when they were little talking about right and wrong and expectations of behavior. You need to start young in commenting when you see teachable moments. When we would watch TV and something like a kid drinking would be on, I'd comment on how dumb that is and what a bad choice that is and look at what consequences came from that poor choice. Same thing with premarital sex. Comment and teach from the time they are young. If you wait until they are teens it's probably too late to form the "line" you don't want them to cross. 

I really only called until they were old enough to drive themselves. By then they had, for the most part, formed their own moral right and wrongs and I knew that they could size up a situation on their own. Knowing that they would have to see me when they got home and talk to me at the end of a night also helped!

To this day, I  stay up until my kids get home. This gives me a chance to talk with them about their evening and what they did. You learn a lot during those late night chats. 

Last weekend my daughter got home later than usual. She told me that a group of kids had crashed a party she was at. They arrived very drunk and had been told to leave. Because they were too drunk to drive themselves, my daughter took the car keys away from them and drove them home. When she got to each house, she rang the doorbell, told the parents that their kid had crashed a party and was drunk when they got there,  handed over their kid and left. She also got to explain to the driver's parents that their kid had driven to the party drunk, their car was parked at so and so's house and here are the keys. She's going to catch some flack for that but she didn't want to drop them off and have them get hurt if they had snuck back out. I was so proud of her!!!  

My phone calls may have embarrassed my kids almost to death but, they survived it and I think are all glad that I cared enough about them to try and protect them and to teach them.

It's party time!! Mistakes a parent can make when throwing a party for teenagers.

Recently my daughter went to a birthday party for one of her friends turning 16. It turned into a disaster because of what the parents who were holding the party called "their rookie mistakes".
These are conscientious parents who were trying to provide a fun and alcohol free party for their daughter.  Here's where they went wrong:

The dad started out at the front door and checked kids in as they entered the party. Once they were in they were not allowed to leave and return. After a few hours, he figured everyone was there and left the door and wasn't paying attention to who was coming in. He trusted all the kids that were there already and didn't know that crashers always come late. Later in the evening, some kids who were uninvited came in (the parents were unaware) that's where the problems began.

When you have a big party:

• You need to have an adult by the door THE ENTIRE NIGHT. Their job is to: 
• Make sure that each person is actually invited to the party. 
• Check that each person doesn't smell like alcohol.
• Check any purses or big coats so that alcohol or drugs can't be carried in.
• Make sure that no one leaves and re-enters the party.
• You need at least one and preferably 2 parents walking around through the party the entire night checking to make you know exactly what is going on. Adult presence is a great deterrent. (At my daughter's big 18th birthday party, she invited a few girls she knew casually from one of her classes. After 20 minutes they left and the person manning the door overheard them say- this party sucks- there's no booze or anything- That's exactly what you want  to hear!!!!!)
• Lock doors to rooms where you don't want kids to go and make it clear where the party is and where people aren't supposed to go. Make sure to check the off limit areas when you do the walk throughs.

Later in the evening the police came to the door. The police officers said that a neighbor had complained about the noise and could they come in to talk with him about the situation.  The dad said sure and invited them in to talk.

• Let me be very clear and say that I fully support the police and so appreciate the very dangerous and difficult job that they do keeping us all safe and keeping our kids safe BUT.........

If police come to your door when you are holding any kind of a party (or any time) and ask to come in to talk, politely say, "I'd be glad to talk to you but, I don't want you coming in, let's talk outside on the street." Don't ever invite them into the house.  And don't say, I'd prefer you not come in, it's too ambiguous. Say "I don't want you in the house." They may ask you if you're trying to hide something but stand firm and just say no I just want to talk out on the street. Here's why- At this party, the parents were not aware that a small group of kids (4) had entered the party uninvited and they were drunk when they got there. They had alcohol in their car and then came in to the party. When the parent invited the police in, that gave them permission to look around.  

• The law says that a police officer that spots something in plain view does not need a search warrant to seize the object or begin investigating. In order for a plain view search to be legal, the officer must be in a place he has the right to be in and the object (or situation) he seizes (or tickets) must be plainly visible in this location. 

While the police and parents were talking, a kid staggered a little, in plain sight of where the officers were, and it was over. The police sealed off all the doors and kept everyone in the house. They then spent the next 3 hours breathalizing every single kid (and the parents) at the party including making the 8 year old sister, who was in bed sick, come down and be tested! They'd blocked the street with their cars and wouldn't allow anyone whose cars were blocked to leave, even if they had no alcohol on their breath. The 4 kids that had alcohol in their system were ticketed and the parents of the party were ticketed for allowing intoxicated minors on their property- even though they were unaware of it and had not provided any alcohol. 

Parents are liable for any underage drinking or drug use takes place on your property even if you're unaware of it!!!! . Even if you are not at home, you can be held liable for the acts of your children and their guests if:

Someone is injured on your property. Someone is injured off your property after consuming alcohol or drugs on your property. Someone is injured as the result of a motor vehicle accident, fight, or disturbance and previously consumed or obtained alcohol or drugs on your property. If a person becomes sick from any substance they consume or obtain on your property. If your neighbors property is damaged by those attending a party at your home. Minors are in possession or intoxicated on your property. If you have a party at your home, to keep your kids safe and protect yourself: Screen the guests carefully as they enter. Man the doors Don't allow uninvited guests in. Monitor the party and your property through out the entire evening.  and if the police come to your door, talk with them out on the street.   Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do if your teen wants to go to a party at someone else's house!

Thursday's Parenting Tip: Make your own gel ice packs

Sports season is up and running and you may have an injury or tow as the season wears on. Here is a way to make soft, mold-able  and best of all reusable ice packs for you and your family. Unlike ice which is hard, can poke, and can't mold around an already sore injury, these are soft, shapable when frozen,  plus they stay colder longer without you having to crush up ice! The secret is using hand sanitizer as the filling.

I buy the large 2 liter bottles of the no name brand alcohol based hand sanitizer gel from Sam's or Costco.

If you have a vacuum sealer grab a quart size or gallon size bag for it, if not a regular gallon size or quart size zip lock freezer bag will do. I usually make 2 larger packs and 1 smaller pack at a time.

Pour 4 cups of the alcohol based sanitizer into each large bag and 2 cups into the quart size.

Now here is the tip- add a couple of drops of food coloring to each bag, making each one a different color. When you have an injury, it makes it easy to remember which ice pack has been in the freezer the longest.No need to mix it in, you can mix it once it's sealed. Get the kids involved and let them pick the color and smoosh it around to mix. Yes, smoosh is a word or it should be!!

Seal the bags. If you have a vacuum sealer, hit the suction button but get ready to hit the seal button as soon as the sanitizer starts to get near the edge. If using a zip lock, squeeze as much air out as possible.
Now double bag it. Put the first bag into a second and seal that bag as well. Double protection.
If after using it for a while a hole develops,  just squeeze the gel into a new bag and  you're back in business. The great news is that if they do leak, the alcohol just cleans up and evaporates. I've seen sites that tell how to make ice packs filled with dish soap but all I can imagine is trying to clean up even the smallest leaks and the mess it would be. I don't do mess very well.

Make sure to NEVER put any kind of ice pack directly on the skin. Ice packs should always be wrapped in a  dish towel or cloth before placing on an injury to prevent skin damage.

Keep the bags in the freezer and they'll always be ready to use. These may also be used in coolers instead of ice.

Thursday's Parenting Tip- Infants

One of the biggest mistakes that new parents make, is to set up signs like this.

or

It's a mistake because, if you only allow your baby to sleep when it's perfectly quiet and they're in their crib, they'll never be able to sleep in any other situation.  

First let's address noise: From day one vary the amount of noise that is around your baby while they're sleeping, during the day. One day have it quiet, the next day vacuum in the room while they are sleeping. Play a radio during nap time one day put on talk radio and the next play music. Make sure that the sound is up to a normal speaking voice level.  Leave the door open to their room so that the everyday noises get in. If you have kept it silent and your baby is older, gradually increase the amount of noise around them while they're sleeping. It may take a few weeks but they'll get used to it. 

Location: When you put your baby down for a nap vary the places that they sleep. Don't only put them in their crib!!!!!  Place them on a blanket on the floor, in the stroller, in a baby swing, on a couch (make sure that they can't roll off!!!) Switch the location for each nap and also don't change the activities that you need to take care of. Bang the dishes, vacuum the floors, talk, let the other kids run around and play. Carry them sleeping in their car seat to run errands.

If you do this, your baby will be able to sleep when they need, to no matter where you are or what's going on around them.  How many crying kids have you seen at a store and the mother says, "I've got to get them home! It's their nap time and they're so tired." 

I didn't want to have to go home just because it was nap time or have a simple phone call wake them up. My kids would just drop off wherever they were, when they got tired. They still can! Noises and location made no difference to them.  Get your baby in the habit of sleeping wherever and whenever they need to and you won't regret it.